It’s been a year since my beautiful sister passed away. A whole 365 days since we last spoke, since we last saw her amazing smile. Some days it feels like an eternity but mostly it feels like last week.

It’s a strange feeling, it’s a feeling of complete helplessness. We can’t do nothing to change what happened her, if we could have saved her, we would. Off course we would anybody would.

I never quite fully understood the pain that grief brings. I have lost friends unfortunately when we were young and the heartache that caused was horrible, everyday I missed them but when my sister Tara died that just opened up new doors to a different kind of grief. A pain so hard my heart aches. I wake everyday and go to sleep every night thinking about her. What would Tara think? What would Tara do, did she see that? Is she here? Is there a heaven? Is she just gone? Will she watch over us. A million different questions every single day.

I do believe she is around, our family always get little signs to tell us. From Robins or little feathers, the time 11.11 or rainbows when we’re extra sad. It could be coincidence but we’ll take them that it’s her.

You see Tara was young, she was fit and she was so so healthy. She ate only natural organic food, took probioctics and supplements. She had a whole load of plans and things she wanted to do. Tara had a brain aneurysm, which ruptured. She would never have known, it’s just one of those unfortunate things. It’s one of those things you never hear about unless it happens to someone you know.

She was a brilliant mother, a wife, a daughter, sister and friend to many. So every time I remember she died in a natural way I get angry like why her. She had a heart of pure gold and would do anything for anyone. She would smile at you and you would just have to smile back. She warmed the coldest of heart’s with her happy go lucky attitude. Why did she have to go? Why couldn’t she just grow old? Then I remember god only takes the best first. He must have needed her, she was an angel here on earth he must have needed her in heaven.

I never quite understood the way people grieved, I know everyone’s different, but through out this year I’ve had days where I want to crawl up in a ball and cry. I’ve had days where all I want to talk about is Tara, but scared to in case people think all’s she does is talk about her sister. I’ve had days I can nothing but laugh.

People kept saying to me “your family will be closer” “it will bring you all together, stronger than ever” I feel like saying to them now bullshit it has everyone torn apart. We all lost Tara that day, but we partially lost our family that day too. I know it won’t be forever, but we all grieve, we all cry and funny enough we all just want to survive. So we do, we surrive but we do it on our own. Why? Because we’re afraid to upset each other and make one another cry, if that makes sense? Our hearts break for one another as we watch each other at a loss, but there is absolutely nothing no-one can say or do.

It’s like a riding waves, a big fat full force wave comes one day. Crashing over you and you feel your drowning in pain. The next day that big wave has calmed and your ok, you can face the day with little sadness. This has been the way for the last 12 month’s, riding a wave. Some days slow, some days crashing.

It’s family times that hurt most, those occasions when everyone is together you really sense she’s not around. That’s the days you really need to pull your happy face on and be strong. We have had so many occasions this year all the firsts with out her, they were horrible. Joyous days turned in dread, but you know what we did them, we surrived. We remember her always, we left a chair for her at Christmas, we cheered her at new year. We celebrated her first birthday away from home, and it was magical. She was 100% with us. We speak of her always, every single day. She won’t ever be missing from our family. Although she’s not here, she is very much with us everyday in our heart’s and our memories.

When I had Aaron it broke me, I kept this wall up during pregnancy to protect the baby, I didn’t want to pass on my heartache but once he was born my heart shattered. Known he’d never know his aunty Tara, or she will never know him. She was the best aunty, but in some way I think he has met her, i think she protected and played with him when I was pregnant. He is the most pleasant, smiley little boy I actually believe it’s because of her.

The thing I keep telling myself is Tara would hate this, she would hate us feeling sad. She would never have wanted to break our heart’s. She cared so much for everyone, she would always make you feel better. So I try for her not to be so sad, as it wasn’t her fault she died, had she have known she would tried to fight it and find a cure.

This year had been so hard, it’s like adapting to a new way of life filled with sadness, madness and happiness. It’s really really unreal at times. I still think aw I’ll ring Tara, or Tara can come with me then I remember she can’t. That’s the worst part, wanting to be with her or hear her opinion but you just can’t.

I have never had anxiety before, until Tara passed away. Now I fear for everything, I fear letting the wanes out to play in case they bang their heads. I fear driving in case something happens. I fear for everything and it’s mad because I know most of my fears are stupid. It’s like a vicious cycle of mind over matter. Its a fear of losing another person you love, but its actually so scary.

Yet apparently that’s perfectly normal when you suffer grief. It’s a mad old feeling, one I wish would fuck off..

You notice Grief alot more too, you notice everyone that has lost a loved one and your heart goes out to them. You know their daily hurt and struggle and when your in that grief you realise almost every other person you meet is grieving too. Alot of sadness in our little town.

Your also alot more thankful, thankful for the life you still have and the people in it. Thankful for the lovely memories and the love you had. For if you didn’t have the love their would be no grief. Thankful for all the blessings that you have.

I don’t know why I have written this, perhaps any quotes or poems just don’t quite explain how I feel and I’m a writer sometimes the best medicine is to do what you love.

Today sucks, every day will suck forever with out my beautiful sister, she was my best friend, but as the old saying goes life goes on and Tara would be the first to tell you to smile and be happy. So for her we will continue to try and lead a happy life.

My advice to everyone is to love the people you love, hug them, kiss them and tell them everyday you love them. Appreciate all the little things, because it’s those little moments that turn out to be the best memories. Life is so short, sometimes cruel but mostly beautiful. Enjoy it and be kind always. You don’t know the suffering people are dealing with.

Love your life and the people in it. Take pictures. Time stands still for nobody❤

Jade

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