Anxiety! It’s an awful old thing. So many people have it, its silent, it’s a secret and quite basically it is a killer.
I’ve grown up for 30 years not quite aware of what anxiety was. I never experienced it, but I know so many people who have. So I thought I had an understanding of it. That is until I was crippled with it during my pregnancy with Aaron.
My sister had passed away very young, my mum got diagnosed with the big C and my world got opened to the different side of life. The one where you know life isn’t a little bubble, the one where you are hit with the reality bad things do happen to good people. Life isn’t perfect and no matter how much you try you can not protect yourself or the ones you love from ever being hurt or harmed.
I don’t know how I managed to survive 30 years anxiety free but I guess being young and carefree really was a blessing. I took everything one day at a time. Loving life and not worrying.
That is until my number one people starting to get sick & die. That shit really knocked me and being pregnant unknown when my sister died, my hormones must have just jumped into protection mode. Plus the realisation that I had four little humans relying on me for their life.
Protect my babies!
Don’t let them outside, they can fall. They can bang their head. Watch them sleep and check on them 4/5 times during the night. Drive like a snail, if someone crashes into us then at least we aren’t going fast. Watch them like hawks and don’t let them out of your sight. That’s how it was, I was riddled with what ifs. I was floored to the sofa during the worst part of, couldn’t stop crying, but couldn’t explain why. Couldn’t stop worrying about everything. I was crippled with my mind!
I couldn’t cope! It was easter weekend, a long weekend. One where your supposed to be off having fun. I was pregnant couldn’t take any xanax or depressant. I Couldn’t breath, my chest was sore. I felt alone! Nobody would understand and I didn’t want to annoy people/burden them. You couldn’t tell from the outside there was anything wrong. I needed help. So on the Tuesday after the holiday I ran straight to the doctors and set up counselling app. I let it all out and the cognitive behavioural therapist I seen assured me everything I was thinking was basically in my head.
She showed me a new way to think of things and it really worked. So if I’m thinking something bad is going to happen, change that thought and think of all the good things instead. It’s just training your brain to overcome the bad.
I’m by no means a strong girl as in fitness but my brain is super strong. I knew I could overcome this. Otherwise what was the alternative? Let my kids live indoors to keep me happy whilst watching me worry over the slightest thing? No
I powered through, started to let go slowly and started to realise life isn’t perfect, nothing is worry free. You can’t live life without some sort of worry. Everyone worries, about something.
I am so thankful I got out of that anxiety but in saying that, there are days I will still get it. Especially after a night out which is basically the reason I stopped going out as much. My anxiety levels rise by 100% after drinking.
I never ever gave it much thought until I went through it, I discovered so many people are fighting anxiety and it’s just a sin. It’s so hard to get out of, it’s awful and I really, really feel for people going through it. I found talking it out loud was the best medicine. Letting it all out of your mumble jumble brain and letting your brain rest for a while was so good.
This is a really, really personal blog post but I really think if I could help one person by seeing you aren’t alone, you can get through it. This might help someone suffering, I needed to share this.
If your suffering anxiety, keep strong! Talk to someone no matter if you have to call a help line. Let it out and try to keep busy, start a hobby. Walking, running, painting, sewing or what ever. Keep your mind occupied.
I hope you feel better soon.
Lots of love
Here’s some help lines if you ever need them, or you can always make an app for your gp.